I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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