He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
