my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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