I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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