I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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