I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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