can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
