remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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