i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
