i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
