This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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