I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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