I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
