i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
barbara walters just said penis...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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