No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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