weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
