Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
