He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
