I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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