I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
