i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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