In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I checked into jail on foursquare
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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