...so i touched it.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
