my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
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Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
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The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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