Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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