At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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