Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
