Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
