i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
