If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I want her autograph on my taint
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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