I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
