You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
