When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
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Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
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Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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