i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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