I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
