We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
