so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
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She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
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We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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