I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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