end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
