I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
