I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
two words...techno handjob
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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