Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
