70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
