i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
i need some magic done to my vagina
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
