My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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