I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
