There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
