He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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