My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
she pinky promised me she was 18
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
