My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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