Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
