eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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