"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She tied me up with her honor cords...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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