Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
