I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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