Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
