nutella sex= disaster
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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