I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
