this will be a night to untag.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
