This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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